Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

My 99 Red Balloons- Releasing Regrets

The song "99 Red Balloons" came on the radio as I was driving home. The idea of letting all your regrets go really resonated with me. Since getting 99 balloons would be problematic and not very environmentally friendly, I decided to list it here, on my blog, and let them go energetically. I also want to anchor greater peace, so I listed white balloons- things I do not regret.

As I have come to understand that everything in my life to this point has created who I am, and that all things are on purpose and in order, it was surprisingly hard to come up with 99 regrets. Looking in honesty made it easier to find things that still held an emotional charge to them.

I hereby release into the vast universe my red balloons. Go be be discharged and transmuted into something better.

My Red Balloons:

1. All the "thank-yous" I did not send.
2. The times I did not say I was sorry.
3. The friends I did not keep in touch with.
4. The phone calls I did not make.
5. Not taking my Dad's place on that plane.
6. All the times I didn't stand up for myself.
7. That night after the fair.
8. The letters I never mailed.
9. Not going to the kids games.
10. Not trusting my husband sooner.
11. Not telling my Dad where I really was that night.
12. Where I really was that night.
13. Not calling Scott that spring.
14. Every time I have yelled at my children in anger.
15. Every time I have hit my kids in anger.
16. My anger.
17. That investment house I KNEW I should have bought and didn't.
18. The investment property I KNEW I shouldn't buy, but did anyway.
19. Going over to his house after school.
20. Climbing back up over the cliff that first time.
21. Wearing the sleazy outfit on that date.
22. Every time I have contorted myself to please some guy.
23. Letting spirituality slide in my home.
24. Kicking my dog.
25. Not maintaining my house.
26. That Thanksgiving dinner talk.
27. That night I stayed out.
28. All the times I didn't say 'no' when I really wanted to.
29. Borrowing money to invest.
30. Dropping out of University.
31. Not going to that prestigious university back east.
32. Not keeping up with my French studies.
33. Every time I allow someone to make me feel less than I am.
34. Not taking better care of my body.
35. Not having a regular nanny to help with the kids when I travel.
36. Every cutting or demeaning remark I have said about or to my husband.
37. All the broken promises.
38. Not sticking to activities I love.
39. Allowing myself to play small.
40. New Year's Eve that year.
41. Not getting help to deal with the depression.
42. Skipping school...every time.
43. Missing curfew.
44. Not being there for my sister.
45. Buying on credit.
46. My Uncle.
47. Not spending more time with my grandparents.
48. Not hanging out with my cousins more.
49. Not taking more pictures.
50. Falling away from my best friends.
51. Breaking boundaries.
52. Not knowing what true love was at the right times.
53. Confusing sex and love.
54. Not climbing higher.
55. Not recording more in my journal.
56. Letting fear stop me.
57. Marrying without thinking the first time.
58. Not following my vision, even now.
59. Every time I don't follow that little voice inside.
60. That terrible night on the couch.
61. The day after Graduation.
62. Making my husband late for his dream.
63. Betraying a friend.
64. The times I doubt myself.
65. Not speaking up to help a stranger.
66. Expecting "him" to solve my problems for me.
67. Pretending nothing was going on.
68. Lying.
69. Cheating.
70. Being sucked into other peoples dramas.
71. Debt.
72. Being a poor example of my religious beliefs.
73. Being ashamed and hiding my beliefs.
74. Hours in front of the TV instead of worthwhile endeavors.
75. Surprising him.
76. Not telling.
77. Not telling sooner.
78. Every guy I hurt or made feel small.
79. Every time I did not confront the person I had the problem with.
80. Pretending we are better off than we are.
81. Not recording my dreams.
82. Not giving myself a chance, "cause someone else was already better at it than I am."
83. Getting rid of my dog.
84. Having a crush on my step-brother.
85. Not noticing the boys who had crushes on me.
86. Dating so young.
87. Ron- being hurt and not helping.
88. Dan- I am sorry for how that ended.
89. Wasted time.
90. Pushing instead of pulling.
91. Eating an entire half gallon of ice cream....each time.
92. Unpulled weeds, inside and out.
93. All the great times I missed because I was too embarrassed to be seen in a swimsuit.
94. The relationships I don't have with my sisters.
95. All my Dad's advise I didn't listen to.
96. All the useless advise I did listen to.
97. Not making more magic for my kids.
98. Lack of self control.
99. Not nourishing my relationship with God.

I hereby celebrate my white balloons. It is my hope they multiply and inspire.

My White Balloons:

1. The Man I married.
2. The man I divorced.
3. All my children.
4. Stopping.
5. Having never smoked.
6. Having never drank.
7. Having never done drugs.
8. Courage to do the horseback riding.
9. My friends in high school.
10. Sticking with a modest prom dress.
11. Teaching my kids unconventional ideas that I know will serve them.
12. Standing up for myself.
13. Standing up for my kids.
14. All the nights I came home.
15. The times I said 'no' when I wanted to.
16. Going to University.
17. Working through high school.
18. Dropping French to take the class I believed in.
19. All the seminars and workshops I take to improve myself.
20. Doing fun creative dating, especially in groups.
21. Going to Florida and everything that happened there.
22. New Year's Eve this year.
23. Admitting I needed help.
24. Dropping everything to go to Ireland.
25. Following my dream to invest.
26. Staying true to my word.
27. Saying 'I'm sorry' first.
28. Waiting for a friend.
29. Honoring boundaries.
30. Planting trees.
31. Playing.
32. Dancing in the rain.
33. Running through the fountain.
34. Deliberately making memories.
35. Marrying with total commitment the second time.
36. Being totally honest with my husband, in all things.
37. Having faith in my kids.
38. Turning down my ex-fiance, both times.
39. Finally traveling.
40. Fall afternoons in the park.
41. Anytime I have opened my soul completely.
42. Choosing to be vulnerable.
43. Asking for what I want.
44. Not being attached to whether or not I get it.
45. Learning to listen.
46. The times I trust myself.
47. The Dalai Lama in Sun Valley.
48. Picking up that hitchhiker, both times.
49. 12 times.
50. The sleep over.
51. Hours spent in the dirt.
52. Hours spent reading.
53. The lessons garnered from shaving my head.
54. Every guy I made feel loved or built up.
55. Losing my job because I stood up.
56. Confronting my friend at camp.
57. Standing up to my family.
58. Being of service.
59. Trying new things.
60. Being brave.
61. Walking on fire, literally and figuratively.
62. Creating new bonds, deeply and quickly.
63. Hugging.
64. Accepting without guilt.
65. Dancing just for fun.
66. Speaking my truth.
67. Believing what others can not see.
68. Expecting more from my children.
69. Having rules in my marriage.
70. Trusting my husband totally and completely, without question.
71. Loyalty to my friends.
72. Asking my teacher, Mrs. Paz, for help.
73. Surrounding myself with friends who expect my best.
74. Dreaming big.
75. Teaching my children to dream big.
76. Seeing and believing the greatness in my husband.
77. Believing there is greatness in everyone I meet.
78. Calling a friend "on accident."
79. Staying up to see the stars.
80. Watching a fabulous sunrise or sunset, totally absorbed in the moment.
81. Speaking up when some I love is about to do something they will regret later, whether or not they listen.
82. Not saying 'I told you so' later.
83. Making time for magic in my marriage.
84. Learning to can.
85. Making quilts.
86. Writing.
87. Keeping in touch with friends.
88. Sometimes the adventure is only in "the getting there," there is no destination.
89. Meditation.
90. Exploring other cultures and religions.
91. Lively discussions and debates.
92. Respecting other people including their beliefs and ideas.
93. Withholding judgement.
94. Knowing God loves me.
95. Knowing God loves each person.
96. Buying a home.
97. Being sexually open with my husband.
98. Admitting I was wrong.
99. Faith.


Blogger Jim McKeeth said...

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din! I respect your bravery and openness more then you can know.

Mon Jul 16, 11:11:00 PM MDT  
Anonymous Deb Estep said...

Hi Dawn,

I just posted a comment to you on the 100 blogger site, and jumped over to read your blog here.

WOW ~~ Letting go of those
99 balloons .. ~BRAVO~

Thank you also for the balance
of your ~White Balloons~.

Back in March I had written
a post called Waking.

I *see* you in this post...
check it out and I think you
will too.

xo xo

Fri Jul 27, 07:11:00 AM MDT  

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