Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Choosing To Be Happy

Today is an experiment that is going quite well so far. You see I have gotten myself into a very learning financial situation and although I am ready to finish this lesson, it seems to keep going. This has led to a rather challanging emotional state, especially considering my history. This morning I woke up a total bear- low energy and grumpy! I lumbered through getting the boys out the door this morning. Then, at some point I decided to put in some music.

I felt a little better. I started cleaning off the entertainment center. Running across a cd I had not seen in months I put it in and listened to "Defying Gravity.". . three times. It just made feel better, as did recalling times with the friend who first reccommended it. Then I found a really old tape of The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. I Love that song. It makes me involuntarily unreasonably happy. It has a very strong very happy memory associated with it. I was smiling and dancig with my daughter. We had a great time.

When it stopped it wasn't long before I felt myself geting grumpy. It was as if a heavy cloud rolled back in front of the sun bringing darkness. Immediately I wanted to just veg. out again. It felt as if the will to care was just shut off, like a light switch turned off. Instead I began this experiment. I am consciously choosing to keep playing things that make me happy. Everytime it stops the clouds roll in, so I will myself to put in something else that I know cheers me up.

Bill Cosby - the Noah bit
Dan Seals - Bop
Monkees - Daydream Believer
Ryan Shupe - Dream Big

Right now I have in a mixed tape a dear friend made me when I was high school! I actually don't remember listening to it much then, but I recall the friendship and it warms my mind and heart.

I watched an episode of Stargate recently (typical low energy justification, "it was on,") in which Dr. Daniel Jackson is given the task of trying to convince an elightened child to allow them to use a device to exract information from the child's mind. You see, the child hold knowledge that could help them but the child has learned to block it all because it is wrapped up with memories of exteme evil. His teacher taught him, and he in turn ends up teaching Daniel, that the only way to win against such evil it to not give it battle in the first place.

I use to fight my depression. Today I choose to not give it battle.

I invite you to try this experiment for yourself. Everyone gets angry, depressed or just plain stressed at sometime. Find some music that makes you feel good, happy, and play it next time those feelings come up for you.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Commitment is a Choice

True commitment can only happen when you understand it is a choice. You could leave, but you choose to stay...forever....regardless of current circumstances.

So often we stay out of obligation. Perhaps it may be because we feel we have no where else to go. I know there was a time in my life I felt trapped. I couldn't commit to my husband because I saw the marriage as a trap, a cage. I felt controlled and manipulated.

The truth is, I had the power to leave. We all do. Physically may be a challange for some. Others emotionally leave long before their bodies follow. Everyone has the ability to choose to stay or go. It is only by embracing this reality can you make the choice to stay, and only through embracing and owning that choice can you open the doors to the deepest levels of intamacy.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

New Year's Contemplations

Several lines of thought and conversations came together in my mind today leading to some interesting questions to contemplate. Perhaps you might find them interesting, revealing and helpful as well.

Earlier, I was reading an article by a friend of mine, Dr. Cheryl Fraser, The Passion Coach, in which she was talking about why we don't keep our resolutions. She encourages people to consider why we keep commitments to other people such as our boss, kids, friends, but feel it's okay not to keep commitments to ourselves.

Why do I follow through on things I don't really want to do for other people, then neglect what I wanted to do for me?

My conclusion was a feeling of obligation. This led to considering how much of my life is lived out of obligation.

If I were to stop living from obligation, what would dictate my action?

In The Secret much is said about "following your bliss."

What is my bliss? When in my life have I felt blissful?

Another friend mentioned today she realized for the first time when she was growing up all she wanted was to be a Mom. She now has 5 boys. She has been so busy being a Mom it didn't occur to her until recently she is living her dream. This IS what she always wanted to do! She has decided to embrace it rather than always looking towards "when the kids are all in school" or "when thay move out."

What is really my dream life? If I stopped caring what everyone says I should want, what would really make my heart happy? When have I felt happy and at peace in the past? Were there moments I felt "this is what it is all about?"

Allison Armstrong talks about how women don't realize that we often give up being priceless to feel important. We don't realize how much we are truely worth already as beautiful femine beings. Instead we go out into the world to accomplish things, prove ourselves and become just as important as the men.

How/When am I already priceless? What makes me feel important? Are the distractions or am I being of service? Are there times I might be both?

Anytime I consider evelauating my life, my inner voice nags me about all the commitments I am already involved in. Usually this weighs me down and I stop considering changes because I am already so loaded down with things that need to be done, months behind and committed months out. Today I am asking questions.

What am I already committed to? Is there anything I can decommit from? What obligations am I meeting at less than 100%? Would I prefer to drop those or find a way to do better at them?

All of these questions are revealing and lead to hours of searching inside. Together they shed light. Being open to the answers, without judgement I hope to be able to find answers to my biggest questions.

Who do I really want to become and how can I best serve humanity? What does that look like in day to day life?

Personally, I have much journaling to do. Hopefully these quesions help you find some clarity as well.