Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Friday, August 25, 2006

My Little Man

Today we are outside working. TJ, 5, was pulling his 2 little sisters in the wagon.

Around the driveway,
down the sidewalk and back,
through the grass to the side yard and back,
down the driveway again.

It was obvious he was getting worn out. He stops, breathes deep. "I am getting tired...but....I am a man so..." and off he goes again.

Where did he learn that?

Monday, August 21, 2006

Lessons from Kindergarten

My second son started Kindergarten 2 weeks ago. It has been rough on him. All these new rules. After only 3 days he came home with his first discipline slip for talking and playnig during snack time. He's a really social guy so not talking is tough on him.

Last week he didn't get his snack a couple times because he took too long on his seatwork. We talked and agreed he was going to do better.

Today he came home so upset. He was close to tears and lashing out at his siter to vent. It was time for a heart-to-heart.

"Hey, Bud. You seem really upset. What happened at school today?"

He blinked back tears and his anger boiled as he told me, "I didn't get my snack 'cause I raised my hand and the teacher didn't see me and come check my work in time."

"Why didn't you call out to the teacher and ask her to come over?"

"We're not allowed to talk! We're suppose to raise our hands!" he practically yelled at me.

Poor boy. He's trying so hard to do it all the right way and he still doesn't get his snack.

How often do we feel like this? We are so excited to do something new, start a new part of our life, begin an adventure, only to get started and find there are a bunch of new rules or skills we have to learn. We start doing our best but we keep getting corrections, being denyied the goal we are going after. We get frustrated. Sometimes we take it out on those around us. We feel like we are doing our best to "do it right" and we still don't see the results we expected. How is this fun?

"Well, son, did you talk to your teacher about this?"

Frustrated, "no."

"Tommorrow can you go to her and say, 'Yesterday, I raised my hand and I didn't get my snack. It made me really made. What can we do to make this work?"

We practiced a few times. I sincerely hope it helps him. If not, I may end going down to the school and taking the kid his snack on my own. He's really doing his best and that deserves a reward.

(His Dad said he gets to pick dinner tonight. He was really torn between cold cereal or Burger King. It's looking like burgers at this point.)

Perhaps this too is a lesson. He did not get his grahm cracker at snack time, but now he gets to go out for dinner. I promise you, given the choice, he would take burgers over crackers any day! Sometimes we don't get what we want when we want it from the Universe because it is busy sending us something better!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Mind as ScriptWriter

The human mind loves to play the game "What if...."

What if I go broke?
What if he leaves me?
What if I lose my job?
and on and on......

Then it make up a great drama of what will happen.

Then I'll loose all my stuff. No one will ever love me again. I'll end up old, alone and living in some dump somewhere!

It plays out the scenarios several times a day.

Personally, I never thought I was very creative, until I started listening to all that chatter. Before the doors of the store open, there is a whole fresh drama playing as I walk from my car. What if I see someone I know? What if when they see me first? What would they think? What if I drop my keys as I'm shopping? Oh! What if I drop my keys and then someone else were to find them, but just by looking at the keys they recoginize the quote on the key ring so they turn them in and have me name! Then i would be left wondering who turned them in..and it might be like in the movies where you are following a character and you know how close they came to a brush with fate, but thy don't!

All of this took a matter of seconds. I hear the voice writing it's script. I can even "see" it playing out on the screen in my mind. Then as the drama builds I become conscious of what is happening in my head. *Deep Breath* What is right now? Tile. Apples. Woman. Cart. Here. Now. Then my mind can settle and become quiet.

First, is to be aware of the noise. Second is to breathe. Then become awarre of what is, right now, in this moment. By this, peace can be found.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Frizzle Quote

"If you don't look, you'll never see. And what you don't see can be very hard to find."
-Miss Frizzle of Magic School Bus

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Danger! It's Water!

Since I am planning another cross country flight soon I went to read the new list of what is and is not allowed. Water is not allowed. That's right people. No water. Not even sealed plastic bottles. No toothpaste either. Forget it. Too risky.

Am I the only one who thinks government might be over reacting a bit here? How many tens of millions have traveled just fine with these items?

Please, NO ONE put a bomb in a bra. I will stop flying.

My sister just returned from traveling internationally. She had her passport and a few dollars cash on her. Everything else was checked, for security. She arrived 3 days ago. Her luggage, however, was still in Europe. Today she got a message her luggage finally arrived at the airport. However, no one was working at the airport by the time she got the message at 4 in the afternoon. So she still has none of her stuff! However, everyone on her flight was completely safe from those toiletries!

My husband shared a quote once, I forget who by, that said something like "Those who sacrifice freedom for security eventually end up with and deserve neither."

Can we vote on Airline security?

Sober and Drug Free

I don't drink. Never have. Same with illegal drugs. (Unless you count the one time I tasted wine as a teenager. I caved when my mother threatened me if I did not. Apparently, I was "making a scene.")

Personally, I prefer to keep what little control I have over my mind at all times. I desire to make conscious choices about my actions. Why introduce something that is designed to interefer with that? I have a good friend who tells me life is to be experienced and I am denying myself the exerience of altered states of consciousness by not indulging. I am being supressed through indoctrination and false information. Hmmm...perhaps.

On the other hand, what if I'm not? It is my opinion I am making a conscious decision to avoid that which would weaken me. There are other paths to altered states of consciousness, ones that include being aware of and in control of the actions of my physical body at the same time. If my inhibitions are to be lowered, why not have it be because I choose to act in courage? Or perhaps I simply decide to let go of my inhibitions. It becomes a choice rather than using a chemical as a crutch and something to blame.

Expressing with clarity has perhaps not been the strength of this post. Also, I want it perfectly clear I do not look down on those who choose to indulge in these practices. That is their right. What I don't understand is why some claim the right to indulge, but then look down on those who choose not to indulge.

I've been told, "You don't know what you're missing." No, I don't. And I'm okay with that.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Absence of Power

There is an entirely different feel to the world when there is no electricity. It is as if the world slows down and peace washes in.
The storm knocked out the power last night in our neighborhood. Everything suddenly felt so still and quiet. There were no distractions, just peace. Since the kids were already asleep my husband and I took the opportunity to spend time reconnecting with each other. We just sat for awhile enjoying the space. Then we talked for awhile. All the “to-do” lists were simply forgotten for a time.

After a while I went and stood outside in the calm night. When Nature yells that loudly to get your attention it is wise to go enjoy the gift of stillness it brings afterwards. The entire street was still. No animals seemed to be wandering anywhere. A few windows glowed softly indicating the candles burning inside. A car came through. In the quiet I heard it’s approach from 2 blocks away. The stars were still hidden behind a blanket of clouds. Still, it did not seem very dark.

All in all it served as an excellant reminder to stop once in awhile and take time to just be. Why wait for the world to be forced “off?”

Monday, August 14, 2006


"Softness triumphs over hardness, gentleness over strength.
The flexible is superior over the immovable.
This is the principle of controlling things
by going along with them,
of mastery through adaptation."


Friday, August 11, 2006

Societies Negative Beliefs about Nurturing

Our society programs us NOT to nurture others and not to be nurtured. Women are told, "Don't mother him or you'll lose him." If a man acts like he wants some tenderness, he's being a "Momma's Boy." Women are labeled "Daddy's Little Girl." These labels imply weakness, inadequacy and are aimed at belittling self-worth. Asking for nurturing becomes equated with being "not enough."

Our western society builds up and praises independence. The problem is we have come to mistake the meaning of true independence. Instead of realizing it means the freedom to make choices for ourselves we believe it means we have to be able to do everything for and by ourselves. Anything less is considered undesirable. Therefore asking for help from another person is "bad."

Growth comes when we realize we are all connected. By nurturing others, we are nurturing a part of ourselves. Would you judge or condemn someone for putting lotion on their hands? They are simply caring for a part of their being. Likewise, do we look down on someone when they are rubbing their feet or eating their lunch? No. They are simply tending to a need. Why then is it such a stigma to tend to our emotional needs?

Nurturing should be as natural as breathing. In and out. We accept. We give. Maybe more like eating, very helpful for living, but not everyone has them same requirements. Likewise, the cleaner your body and the higher your consciousness the less you need to take in. (I'll look for a better analogy.) For now, just take comfort in receiving and giving nurturing freely.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Compassionate People

Historically there have been some remarkable people who gave totally of themselves in service and love to others. Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa...

I would love to hear your thoughts on these people and heir missions in life.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

More Quotes

"A ship is safe in harbour -
but that's not what ships are for."
- John A Shedd

"The important thing is this:
To be ready at any moment to sacrifice what we are
for what we could become."
- Charles Dubois

"What if you slept,
and what if in your sleep you dreamed,
and what if in your dream you went to heaven
and there you plucked a strange and beautiful flower,
and what if when you awaoke you had the flower in your hand?
Oh, what then?"
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Peaceful Warrior

Friday night Jim and I had an unexpected opening in our schedule. We decided to go to the movies. Peaceful Warrior was playing at the Flicks. We walked into the darkest theater I have ever been in. The movie was good. It has good messages. Nick Nolte is a good serious old guy and the actor who plays Dan does an incredibly good job, I felt, as the college gymnast.

I finished the book today, Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. They are rather different, but keep many of the messages the same. I do believe I shall want to read the book again before too long. There is just too much to absorb the first time through. It's the kind of book that draws you in with a good story then feeds your soul and opens your mind.

Although I enjoyed both, I recommend you read the book whether or not you see the movie.

Beautiful Question

OK, these question Memes can get addictive.

My Answer to this: Hope on my child's face, a new baby- seconds out of the womb, rainbows, death ending suffering, water, mountains, changing leaves, two strangers hugging in sincere admiration and love, Love and eternity in my husband's eyes, rich fresh earth bringing forth new growth, and some experiences too personal to share via this medium. think up a new question....

What do you believe is your primary reason for being alive here and now?

Beautiful Sunday

It's a beautiful day. My step-dad is visiting from Salt Lake. We're taking the kids to the park downtown with the nature center to see the fish. *sigh* Life is good.

Update: The kids had a great time. It was hot so we only stayed at the park about 45 minutes. Then we went back to Grandma's apartment for ice cream and lunch. The kids visited and played with their grandparents for a couple hours. Jim had stayed home to work on a project and I got to read some more on my book (which I finished today.) It was a very pleasant afternoon.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


For some odd reason I feel very chatty tonight, like catching up with an old friend. What's going on with you? Where are you living now? What have you been up to? Have your dreams changed any? How are your relationships? and on and on for hours. I want to just ask and listen, maybe sip some warm beverage or play some game as we go.

Fortunately, I was able to touch in with a friend I seldom visit with. That was helpful, although not as fulfilling. It's all good though.

'Nother Question Meme

I may just start looking around the web for different quesions to answer. :)


Answer: New York! ....or on a drive.

New Question: If you could live anywhere in he world, where would you live?

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Question Meme- Revisit

With the question Mem, you read a question on someone's site then answer it on your own with a link back to the question. Then you can add a question of your own.

I am answering another question.

A couple of years ago I decided to abandon what I knew in trade to know what is. I am still in process of abondaning all in that old former life allowing that which is and the possibilities of what could be to flood in the space left behind. I shall never leave behind those I love, but have choosen to release my preconcieved ideas of how they should be in order to embrace the dreams they have of themselves.

New Question: What were your highest, deepest and lowest emotional times? How do you know?

Adventures in Traveling....Home at Last

Last week I had the extreme joy of volunteering at another Peak Potentials Wizard Camp. This time in Ellensville, New York. The following is some of the highlights of my travel there and back. It is long and you may find it boring. However, I wish to remember and share with all those who seek comforting in their own "adventures in traveling."

It was my first time out east. I flew into the Newark Airport, landing about 15 minutes late. It took awhile to get my luggage, making it about 7:40 pm before I got outside, so I became concerned I might be keeping my shuttle waiting. I needant have worried. Turned out all 4 of my shuttle companions had delayed flights. It would be another hour and a half before they would arrive. This was a private shuttle. There wasn't enough time to run out to the location and back so we would have to wait. Rick, my driver, turned out to be a really great guy. Upon hearing this was my first time out east he kindly spent over an hour driving me around showing me Newark. It was very kind of him. We even stopped at a Dunkin Donuts. The conversation was very pleasant and we had a really great time. The planes were further delayed. It was midnight before we had gathered everyone and arrived at the hotel. It had been a long day and a short mini-adventure.

The week was fantastic. The participants were great and learned so much. It is so beautiful to watch each of them grow and change. I love when I get to play an intamate part in the transformation of a few of them. I made some new friends, renewed friendship with a couple old ones, and grew myself.

Coming home proved to be another adventure. This time I was flying out of LaGuardia Airport. The shuttle left the hotel at 8 am EST, even though my flight was at 2pm. It was a 2 hour drive. It was great having a real New Yorker with us giving us all the tour guide treatment. I saw the Bronx, the projects, Yankee Stadium, and all sorts of stuff. I got a mini-lesson on the history of he subway and how someone from Long Island "isn't really from The City, (it's kind of like a pissing contest around here.)" It was so cool. I had the great honor of hanging in the airport with one of my best friends. Although I was tired from a l-o-n-g fabulous night, it was still a beautiful day. We had a great visit about so many things. I looked forward to continueing the conversation on the plane.

When it came time to board, the crew seemed very rushed and many of the travelers seemed "stiff." Soon I found out why. Many of the passengers on this plane had been booked for the day before and had heir flight canceled. They were anxious to be on their way. Unfortunately, there was a storm coming in. We ended up not making it off the ground quickly enough. We sat on the tarmack for another 3 1/2 hours. I continued to visit with my friend, even as we realized we would miss our connections. We talked training ideas, business, real estate, families, just having a good time. Apparently we were entertaining many of those around us as they joined in after a few hours. Eventually we took off for our 2 hour flight.

Upon landing it was discovered another plane was at our gate. It would be another 20 minutes before we could dock up. Patience were wearing thing for a lot of people. I was still happy. Bothmy friend and I were able to get later connections. We were flying in different directions now so we said our good-byes. On my way to my new terminal I bought a new shirt and some food, just for fun. Arriving at the new gate, hooking up with a woman from the conference I was just at I found I was getting very "happy drunk." (I was very tired by now.) Us 2 women struck up a converstion with a fellow by the name of John in line next to us. To his credit he wasn't scared off at all. He joined in my delusional merriment, even going so far as to compliment me on both my attitude and looks. (He's the second person to tell me I look like Sandra Bullock when I smile. I don't, but love being told that!) This flight also ended up being delayed, but not so much, just about 30-45 minutes or something.

I got to sit next to John on the plane, as it turned out, and Chuck-the-very-bible-quoting-Christian. John happens to be follow the Wicca belief system and I was seated between them for a 3 hour something flight. It was very interesting. People always amaze me. Althought there were times I was a little concerned emotions might be getting tense, they ended up offereing to share a cab home. Funny. John was kind enough to let me sleep on his shoulder part of the flight as well as visisting off and on. Very interesting conversations.

Insted of flying home I was flying into Los Angelas to pick up a car my siser left me when she ran off to meet "Mr. Perfect" in Finland. My original itenarary had me landing at 8 pm PST. It was now getting on close to midnight PST, or 3am EST. I had instructions to get the car, of which I had never seen before. Lot C, Section E slot 503. Should be easy enough. Caught the shuttle over to lot C. Hmm...there is more than one section E...20+ in fact. Well, 503 might mean it is in section 5. Got off the shuttle. Walking towards section 5 I notice...there are no numbers on the slots. Hmm...maybe she meant level C at the parking garage? Back to the airport. Over to the garage...nope no numbers there either. OK. By now I am done. I am sorry to say my cheery chipper self collapsed. Stress began to build and I wanted to cry. Out of the past 45 hours, I had maybe 4 hours sleep if you added everything on the plane with the night before and I was done. I called my loving husband and begged for ideas and help. I went and asked security if there was an office I could go to. Closed for the night. I called my Honey back and cried. He comforted me, we prayed, for a miracle basically. I steeled my nerves and headed back out to lot C.

Waiting for the shuttle, still on the verge of tears, a kind older black man came out and sat at the station with me. He was getting off work. He was so reassuring and comforting, the first of the angels I would run across that night. Back at lot C, I began wandering around, searching for someone who could help me. I finally found a securiy guard. She had no answers but directed me to a sleeping shuttle driver. He was so kind. Once he understood my problem he quickly switched mental gears to trying to puzzle out where the car might be. He figured on a close by lot and even offered to take me there. Sure enough he found the right lot, dropped me off, unloading my luggage and left before I could even tip him. I was so happy to find that car. Then I still had about a 30 minute drive to the hotel another friend had arranged for me. There the clerk informed me they were crowded and had to bump me out of my room. Insted he moved me to a full suite with a king size bed, for rate discounted off the smaller room rate. I got the suite for less than half price, plus he checked me in faster than any clerk I have ever seen! I was in bed sleeping in minutes. I got over 5 hours that night.

You might think I was done, but no, I still had a 16 hour drive home! The following morning I had planned to meet with one of my mentors for an hour or two. We met, visited and he invited me back to his house to meet his wife and have lunch. DEFINATELY! We ended up spending the whole day together. I left there after 5 pm PST. About 30 minutes shy of Las Vegas and 10 pm I knew I was going to HAVE to stop for a nap. Well, there was an accident just at the edge fo town. 30 minutes of stop-and-go traffic as we funneled 3 lanes into one. I got sleepier and sleepier. Now I knew it was urgent I stop. It was becoming a struggle just to stay conscious. Apparently I was losing more than I thought. Lights flashed in my rear view mirror. I jumped as a light flashed in my eyes and the officer asked, "Have you been drinking, Mame?" I could not believe I was being pulled over for drunk driving. Well, it turned out my sister had neglected a few details before taking off for her trip. She left me the title to the car, but not signed over. Nor did she leave a bill of sale. The registration was expired...over 6 months and there was no insurance on the vehicle! I tried to explin the situation, but I am not sure I made sense, even though with all the adreniline in my system i was sure I must be wide awake now! He informed me he really should impound the car and haul me in, but insted was kind enough to let me off with a ticket and instruction to the nearest hotel. Yes sir! I went straight there, he followed the whole way. I walked into the lobby and just about collapsed as they were checking me in. I don't even remember getting bed. I set no alarm so I could sleep till I was done. It was obvious my body had finally just surrendered. This night, I slept almost 10 hours.

The next day was long, but fortunately mostly uneventful. I stopped in Salt Lake to see my step-dad and grab a 15 minute nap. I was so anxious to be home. I had planned on being home sometime Saturday. Now it was Sunday. It was almost 11 pm MST by the time I opened the door and stepped into my wonderful husband's arms. After kissing all the children as they lay sleeping, I cuddled up with Mr. Wonderful to enjoy a wonderful rest. After all, I would need the energy to catch up on laundry, dishes, floors, ect. the next day. *sigh* Welcome home.