Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

House Dream

I have just awoke from a dream., an intense vivid dream. I am recording it so I can reflect on it later.

We bought a new house. It was very large with multiple stories. We were still moving in and unpacking. The house was still beig finished. I am still sleepy so many of the details are fuzzy and getting confused.

The kids were a "family room." Jim was across the hall I think, working in another room. In this room there was a fireplace behind me and a tv in front of me. I was putting something on to entertain the kids while we worked. When I turned around there was another tv behind me, next to the fireplace. I was confused. Then Jonathan turned on a 3rd tv, the wall mounted, sports bar kind. I screamed...yelling at the kids, exploding in anger...Too much noise! Turning around as Jim came in, there were now two laptops set up in front of the fireplace. Too much!! Jim was trying to calm me and reassure me...he was taking one of the tvs away on a cart.."No, that's the wrong TV.....Take the bigger one!"....Something about not being able to take the bigger one cause this smaller 19" fit a certain place..It just didn't make sense...I realized I need to just leave the situation. There was a door on the end of the room...yes...more rooms..I don't remember what...when you walk through there is a raised floor area to the left...a "room"...then keep going straight and you come to another much larger area....There are just some boxes here, Christmas gifts that were never put away and some other gifts that were never given a place...I wonder what we were going to do with this space....Then I know! I am so excited! I call Jim. "Jim! Jim! I know what we are going to do in here! Remember that in our last den we never had enough room? Here! This is the spot. I will take that smaller raised area for my "room" and you get this room here. See?" He agrees. It is a good idea...As we walk back to the door to go get stuff to start moving in here, I wonder if I should have volunteered to take the smaller area. We have liked being together in the past. I bet there would be enough room for both desks. This smaller area could be filing, book shelves, storage. There will be time to figure all that out. Furniture won't be here for a couple days yet.

When we get back to the door one of the kids is standing just beind the door inside the smaller room. "No! No kids in here ever! This is a Mommy and Daddy room!" I push the child out the door. Now all the kids want to come see and know why they can't come in. "Out!" Arg! I don't know why I am so angry. I don't like it. I walk back in to the far end...Jim's study. Maybe I will start looking through those boxes and see what is in them. Really, I am just standing there looking around. I hear Jim walk in behind me carrying some boxes. Just then I notice something, past the end of the room...stairs? unfinished..just ply wood...were those there before? "Jim, I think there might be an unfinished basement. Weird, that doesn't seem right...I'm going to go check it out."

As I walk that way I notice a small girl at the top of the stairs. She looks at me with haunting eyes. She is blonde and pale, but healthy, not sickly. She runs down the stairs. I walk after her. The stairs go down to a big unfished area. Although it is all bare baord everywhere, it is more like a crawl space than an unfished area...only maybe 4 1/2 feet high. "It's not a basement, Dear!" I am hunched over..looking for the girl. I walk in a bit farther, stepping up onto another raised area. As I turn back to call out to Jim I see the girl huddled up in a corner. "Hello," I say softly. "It's okay you don't have to be scared." She makes no move and her eyes convey hesitance. I decide to move a little closer. As I go to step off the platformed area I catch her eyes flick down. There, where I was about to step, I see a foot sticking out, an adult foot. Dead? Sick? No, somehow I sense the person is very alive, healthy...probably her caregiver...father perhaps? The foot doesn't so much as twitch...perhaps they think they are completly hidden. I can't help but smile as a new thought enters my head. I think I figured it out. Maybe they are homeless and my house has been able to sheler them. "Have you been living here," I ask directed to the child. She makes no response. I had not ecpected one. This conversation is more for the adult in hidding. "The house has been empty a long time while it was being built, huh? I bet it was warm and safe. I know it's not quite finished but people, my family and I, are starting to move in now. You'll have to move. I'll be happy to help you if you need it." While I have been talking I have been slowly moving back towards the stairs, looking kindly at the girl the whole time. "I am going now. You can stay for a little bit longer. When you are ready to come out, if you'd like to talk, we can visit then."

When I turn my gaze back to the stairs something is wrong. Everything has shrunk! The room is now like 2 feet high. The stairs remind me more of those climbing corners in the play places. There is a support beam in the way too...Maybe I can manipulate through...Now I am stuck! I feel like Alice in Wonderland, suddenly much too big. "Jim! Jim I am stuck. " This is so confusing. I think the area I am in is shrinking! I am stuck, confused and terrified. "Please, cut me out if you have to but please save me!"I should have been climbing back into Jim's den area...but now it would appear I am climbing onto an unfished roof! There is tar paper in parts, with just the frame supporting it. I'm 2 or 3 stories up..and stuck! I am scared and call out for help mother-in-law runs over to my corner of the house. I see her on the ground below. She is nervous for me as well. She suggests a course of action. Knowing her vantage point allows her to see things I can not I follow her advice. I am moving. This is good..I am making progress. As I shift my weight to push against the outside wall for leverage I feel a "give." A board slips and starts to fall behind me. As I turn to look several more slip and they tumble down to the ground below, leaving my back and now bottom half exposed. My top half hadn't made it all the way up yet so now I am hanging on for dear life to one support. I see Jim around the front of the house and call out. He looks up. Just then I feel the support i am hanging on slip a little. "Oh PLEASE, don't let me fall!" Just as it gives a second time I feel someone grab me. Loking up Jim has goten a hold of me. He must have ran like the wind. "Oh Thank you dear!" He hauls me up. I look around wondering how the basement became the roof.

Jim turns to call out to those below that all is well, he saved me. As he turns back to me, he accidently bumps me, throwing off my balance. Apparently I was just siting on a beam. I slip onto the tar paper, which promptly rips free and I go sliding down the roof line, taking tar paper with me. I am aware Jim made a grab for me and missed. There is a brief second of thought, "I hope the rest of the house is better made than this! What's going to break my fall? Maybe the tar paper will do that cartoon umbrella thing." Nope. Thud. I hear all the air leave my lungs as I go black.

Bright light. Fuzzy people. I must be on a gurney in a hospital. Black.

Next I awake in my hospital room. Lots of family around visiting rather happily. I must not be too bad off cause they seem prety relaxed. A friend walks in. Brett. (Oddly, in real life he was just a casual aquaintance, but in the dream I seem to know him really well.) He is dressed in a sparkly green and gold wig, a green t-shirt from my old high school, and carrying some cheering stuff. He has just come from a football game for our old high school. "Man. I am really sorry for happened. You missed a really great game!" He starts into a particular play. I have never really liked football, but he is a great story teller, and anything to get my mind off my body. I roll on my side a little. The story must be really good cause all conversation around me has stopped. They are all drawn into what he has to say. I am impressed. Jim comes over and sits on the bed next to me. I wince a little, but say nothing. Suddenly, at a particularly intense part of the story, Jim leans hard against me to get closer to the story teller and squeezes my body with excitement. I scream in pain. It is as if he is suprised to find me there. He had forgotten all about me and my pain.

I immense pain.


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