Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Summer Time

Everyone talks about how busy everyone gets during the summer. I admit, I never really understood until this year. Take yesterday, my busiest day, for example.

Company 10-10:30
Swim at 11am-12:15 (everyone)
Lunch and Baby's nap
*Tennis 2:30-3 (child #3)
*bowling 4-5 (child #1)
baseball 7:30 (child #1)

*Michelle took #1 & #2, leaving me her #4 so I got to actually stay home and catch-up some laundry.

Fortunately, it will only be that crazy 2 days and I have a great friend to help me juggle it all.

Today we drove around looking at possible investment properties before swimming, not the kids favorite way to spend time. At least now the boys don't complain anymore. After playing Cashflow For Kids they understand why we do it, and that helps. So after swimming we came home for lunch and a shower. Shortly we will go run a couple errands then back home for naps.

T-Ball season ended last Tuesday. Baseball ends next week. In fact, unless I enroll them in additional activities all our sports end by next Saturday. (I think.)

Whew. That feels really good.

Then we can just be busy doing our grown up projects. :-)

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

No Pants and Flying

My dreams are becoming much more vivd, very "real" feeling. I have also had the pleasure of experiencing some firsts.

In my dream I was out running errands. I was in a hurry. At some point I realized I had no pants on, a long t-shirt, but no pants. I frequently have business to take care of at my son's school, as was the case in my dream. Figuring I only needed to run into the office I decided to go ahead, even with no pants. Everyone was suprised, but was totally attempting to play it cool as if everything was normal. I was just trying to get in and out quickly. I knew the other women were whispering around the corner, but no one wanted to brave coming to say something. Ruby, the school secretary came up with the great idea of taking her shirt off to come talk to me about something, hoping I would get the unspoken message. It felt so silly. Our mouths were making noise, but the real communication was all in our heads. As if i didn't know I had no pants and it was inappropriate. I was in a hurry! (Made sense in the dream.)

Another first I have gotten to experience was "flying." Well, it wasn't so much flying as floating, like astronauts in space. It was so real I could feel it in my body. I was aware of the viseral effects on my tissues. It was so cool! I was outside, next to a tall building, kind of floating and twisting in the air. It took a few seconds to realize what was going on. Once I realized it I took some time just to feel it, to just be there. Then it occured to me if I could figure out how to control which direction I was going in, I could go up...into the sky! So I pushed against the building to send myself higher....and hit my head on something invisable above me. There was something stopping me exactly even with the top of the building. At first I got really frustrated. What is the use of flying if you are stuck in corner? Then my brain asked, "How can I get around this?" As soon as I asked I knew what appeared to be this "glass ceiling" was really a ledge and if I could just out far enough away from the building I could go around the end of the ledge and actually use it from the other side. How to get down to that end? As I was working my way over I awoke.

There was another dream. I recall thinking it was a message, but all I can remember now was that there was 9 of something and it was really important I remembered that there were 9. Helpful, huh?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


TJ, my 5 yr old, was playing with a young friend of his. "I'm gonna' tell you a secret. You choose if you are happy or not."

Yeah, we are sufficently warping them. :-)

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

House Dream

I have just awoke from a dream., an intense vivid dream. I am recording it so I can reflect on it later.

We bought a new house. It was very large with multiple stories. We were still moving in and unpacking. The house was still beig finished. I am still sleepy so many of the details are fuzzy and getting confused.

The kids were a "family room." Jim was across the hall I think, working in another room. In this room there was a fireplace behind me and a tv in front of me. I was putting something on to entertain the kids while we worked. When I turned around there was another tv behind me, next to the fireplace. I was confused. Then Jonathan turned on a 3rd tv, the wall mounted, sports bar kind. I screamed...yelling at the kids, exploding in anger...Too much noise! Turning around as Jim came in, there were now two laptops set up in front of the fireplace. Too much!! Jim was trying to calm me and reassure me...he was taking one of the tvs away on a cart.."No, that's the wrong TV.....Take the bigger one!"....Something about not being able to take the bigger one cause this smaller 19" fit a certain place..It just didn't make sense...I realized I need to just leave the situation. There was a door on the end of the room...yes...more rooms..I don't remember what...when you walk through there is a raised floor area to the left...a "room"...then keep going straight and you come to another much larger area....There are just some boxes here, Christmas gifts that were never put away and some other gifts that were never given a place...I wonder what we were going to do with this space....Then I know! I am so excited! I call Jim. "Jim! Jim! I know what we are going to do in here! Remember that in our last den we never had enough room? Here! This is the spot. I will take that smaller raised area for my "room" and you get this room here. See?" He agrees. It is a good idea...As we walk back to the door to go get stuff to start moving in here, I wonder if I should have volunteered to take the smaller area. We have liked being together in the past. I bet there would be enough room for both desks. This smaller area could be filing, book shelves, storage. There will be time to figure all that out. Furniture won't be here for a couple days yet.

When we get back to the door one of the kids is standing just beind the door inside the smaller room. "No! No kids in here ever! This is a Mommy and Daddy room!" I push the child out the door. Now all the kids want to come see and know why they can't come in. "Out!" Arg! I don't know why I am so angry. I don't like it. I walk back in to the far end...Jim's study. Maybe I will start looking through those boxes and see what is in them. Really, I am just standing there looking around. I hear Jim walk in behind me carrying some boxes. Just then I notice something, past the end of the room...stairs? unfinished..just ply wood...were those there before? "Jim, I think there might be an unfinished basement. Weird, that doesn't seem right...I'm going to go check it out."

As I walk that way I notice a small girl at the top of the stairs. She looks at me with haunting eyes. She is blonde and pale, but healthy, not sickly. She runs down the stairs. I walk after her. The stairs go down to a big unfished area. Although it is all bare baord everywhere, it is more like a crawl space than an unfished area...only maybe 4 1/2 feet high. "It's not a basement, Dear!" I am hunched over..looking for the girl. I walk in a bit farther, stepping up onto another raised area. As I turn back to call out to Jim I see the girl huddled up in a corner. "Hello," I say softly. "It's okay you don't have to be scared." She makes no move and her eyes convey hesitance. I decide to move a little closer. As I go to step off the platformed area I catch her eyes flick down. There, where I was about to step, I see a foot sticking out, an adult foot. Dead? Sick? No, somehow I sense the person is very alive, healthy...probably her caregiver...father perhaps? The foot doesn't so much as twitch...perhaps they think they are completly hidden. I can't help but smile as a new thought enters my head. I think I figured it out. Maybe they are homeless and my house has been able to sheler them. "Have you been living here," I ask directed to the child. She makes no response. I had not ecpected one. This conversation is more for the adult in hidding. "The house has been empty a long time while it was being built, huh? I bet it was warm and safe. I know it's not quite finished but people, my family and I, are starting to move in now. You'll have to move. I'll be happy to help you if you need it." While I have been talking I have been slowly moving back towards the stairs, looking kindly at the girl the whole time. "I am going now. You can stay for a little bit longer. When you are ready to come out, if you'd like to talk, we can visit then."

When I turn my gaze back to the stairs something is wrong. Everything has shrunk! The room is now like 2 feet high. The stairs remind me more of those climbing corners in the play places. There is a support beam in the way too...Maybe I can manipulate through...Now I am stuck! I feel like Alice in Wonderland, suddenly much too big. "Jim! Jim I am stuck. " This is so confusing. I think the area I am in is shrinking! I am stuck, confused and terrified. "Please, cut me out if you have to but please save me!"I should have been climbing back into Jim's den area...but now it would appear I am climbing onto an unfished roof! There is tar paper in parts, with just the frame supporting it. I'm 2 or 3 stories up..and stuck! I am scared and call out for help mother-in-law runs over to my corner of the house. I see her on the ground below. She is nervous for me as well. She suggests a course of action. Knowing her vantage point allows her to see things I can not I follow her advice. I am moving. This is good..I am making progress. As I shift my weight to push against the outside wall for leverage I feel a "give." A board slips and starts to fall behind me. As I turn to look several more slip and they tumble down to the ground below, leaving my back and now bottom half exposed. My top half hadn't made it all the way up yet so now I am hanging on for dear life to one support. I see Jim around the front of the house and call out. He looks up. Just then I feel the support i am hanging on slip a little. "Oh PLEASE, don't let me fall!" Just as it gives a second time I feel someone grab me. Loking up Jim has goten a hold of me. He must have ran like the wind. "Oh Thank you dear!" He hauls me up. I look around wondering how the basement became the roof.

Jim turns to call out to those below that all is well, he saved me. As he turns back to me, he accidently bumps me, throwing off my balance. Apparently I was just siting on a beam. I slip onto the tar paper, which promptly rips free and I go sliding down the roof line, taking tar paper with me. I am aware Jim made a grab for me and missed. There is a brief second of thought, "I hope the rest of the house is better made than this! What's going to break my fall? Maybe the tar paper will do that cartoon umbrella thing." Nope. Thud. I hear all the air leave my lungs as I go black.

Bright light. Fuzzy people. I must be on a gurney in a hospital. Black.

Next I awake in my hospital room. Lots of family around visiting rather happily. I must not be too bad off cause they seem prety relaxed. A friend walks in. Brett. (Oddly, in real life he was just a casual aquaintance, but in the dream I seem to know him really well.) He is dressed in a sparkly green and gold wig, a green t-shirt from my old high school, and carrying some cheering stuff. He has just come from a football game for our old high school. "Man. I am really sorry for happened. You missed a really great game!" He starts into a particular play. I have never really liked football, but he is a great story teller, and anything to get my mind off my body. I roll on my side a little. The story must be really good cause all conversation around me has stopped. They are all drawn into what he has to say. I am impressed. Jim comes over and sits on the bed next to me. I wince a little, but say nothing. Suddenly, at a particularly intense part of the story, Jim leans hard against me to get closer to the story teller and squeezes my body with excitement. I scream in pain. It is as if he is suprised to find me there. He had forgotten all about me and my pain.

I immense pain.