Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It is...What it is

For many months now I have worn a very special homemade bracelet of sorts on my wrist. It has had a special meaning, special connection if you will, for me. As I was driving a few days ago I was looking at it, noting it was starting to look pretty worn. Instantly I felt anxious and heartache. What if it broke?!?

The thought seized my mind. "If it broke." Something inside took a deep breath. Ok. What if it does break? It is bound to sooner or later. What have I gained by wearing it? What would I loose by no longer having it? My heart beat faster. I thought of all the memories and feelings tied up, wrapped around my wrist. These have been my constant companions, a source of comfort. Did I still need the reminder...or could I trust I had now written these things on my heart, never to be forgotten? I have a fear of forgetting important things. There was a lesson to be learned tied up in this as well...had I learned it? The words came to mind...this isn't good or bad, it just "is." They were just words. Had I really learned the lesson? Was I ready to start applying it? I wasn't sure.

Less than 24 hours later it broke. It had caught ever so slightly on my jeans and the string it was made of just kind of disentagrated in one area. The very first thought was.."so, it broke. Now, how do you respond." I sensed this was my chance to see if I "got it." I sat there for what felt like a really long time looking at it. It may have only been half a second. My response was, "It broke. I will miss it, but it is broke." I wasn't upset or heartbroken as I had feared I would be. It simply was.

My wrist felt "naked" for a couple days. You know that feeling like something should be there and it's not. The air seems cooler, the skin more sensitive. Slowly it fades. Just another reminder that it is all within me now instead of "out there." Still, I am grateful I was perpared for the event and taught the lesson.


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