Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Today's Profound Insight

As I was cleaning the family room today I put in Kenny Rodger's "She Rides Wild Horses" cd. The second track is "Buy Me a Rose." For those of you who don't remember or know this song it's about a modern couple. He works way too many hours to get her everything he thinks she wants while she's at home feeling a gulf building and becoming more desperate to just get his attention. The Chorus always touches my heart.

Chorus:
Buy me a rose. Call me from work.
Open a door. What would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes.
These are the little things I need the most in my life.

Finally the singer realizes the song is about him. So he buys the rose "to open the door to the heart that he hurt." It always touches me. Today it really hurt though. At first as I began tearing up I couldn't understand why. My husband is wonderful about these things. I can't bear the thought of losing him, but the feeling now was a hurt, not a fear.

In my mind's eye I could see myself crying inside, the me I thought I would be at this point in my life. Suddenly I realized it was me who hurt me. My early choices had stolen the future I thought I would be living. I have forgiven myself for those choices, but not the lost future. I had never even really apologized to "me." Worst of all, I have done nothing to try to make things better. I have simply been existing with what has come about on it's own. I have wrapped myself in a protective coating of excuses to create denial. Oh, it hurt so bad to see what I did to me. This may sound hokey, but it is all so real. Tears were steaming down my face as I apologized to me. My other self wasn't angry, just so hurt at being forgoten and that I wasn't making anything of myself. She felt it was okay if I wasn't her, but not if I am not aspiring to be or do something. I committed I would begin today to start making it up to her.

Today I commit to living my best today and stop concenrating on "when things get better I will be/do." Today is what I have. This is where I am. I will do the best with where I am.

This will be enough.

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