Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Admitting Selfishness

I have a friend who use to tell me all the time he truely believes every single person is born selfish and never changes. I argued quite strongly that people are basically good and given the chance will think of others first. Lately I have been spending some time looking more closely at myself.

Today was a good opportunity. My youngest daughter fell and split her lip open. Head injuries, as a rule, bleed a lot. This was copious amounts for a 13 month old. All over her dress, on her body, pooled on the carpet, coating a stuffed dog she was using as a lovey, just everywhere. After stopping the bleeding I began cleaning up all the blood, starting with the baby. She would "worry" her lip and it would start bleeding again. The cut goes all the way through in and out. This worried me, being unsure if maybe she needed stitches (she didn't) so I phoned our doctor. They agreed to let me bring her in right away. Excellant... but what to do with the other 3 kids? Jim was at a haircut so it seemed the easiest would be to have him meet me at the doctor's office, besides then he could be there to comfort me if I had to listen to my baby scream while they stitched her up.... I was a 45 minute drive away so he had time. He agreed to meet us there as soon as he finished.

When we were about 5 minutes from the office I phoned Jim to check his location. He was just starting his massage! I was extremely put out. I was very upset. "But it was already scheduled." So FREAKIN' WHAT?!?! Does the phase "medical emergency" means nothing to you?! I was in a huff. From a practical stand point there was no point in him coming now. He was still 30 minutes away. I was in quite the huff.

The Dr.'s visit went well enough. Three kids trying to touch stuff when Mom isn't looking and a baby snuggling in trying not to let the Dr touch her. Turns out her lip will heal just fine. However, she has a double ear infection I knew nothing of. Fantastic.

Now we have the drive home, in quitting time traffic. This gives me plenty of time to contemplate my emotions. This is also known as "stewing." "Man, is he ever selfish! He slept in late, knowing he was going to have to stay late. Then he takes a couples hours off to go get pampered, knowing it will make him even later tonight! That means he won't get home until....I'll have to put the kids to bed alone! How rude. He knows how tired I am after working so late last night! ARG! So rude. He is so selfish. He has time to go get pampered and babied, but never to mow the lawn...or pull weeds..." and on and on.

Eventually, I began to shift thought trails. All I can control in this life is my thoughts. *Deep breath* It's really all about me. This is my story. So, what is the issue here? *breathe* I resent he wasn't there for me. I hate having to do all the work. Why can't he help out? Doesn't he know how hard it is trying to do EVERYTHING? (So, really I'm upset cause of "me" issues here.) *sigh* Sometimes I feel like he isn't keeping his word. (Well, do you always keep your word?)

It led to some contemplating that made me realize....a lot of my anger and sense of injustice in many areas is because of how they effect me. I want everything to be nice for me.

Conclusion: Selfish.

Ouch. That does not feel good. Now what?


Blogger Tickneen said...

Wow, what a post, I stumbled upon your blog, and your hubbys. You guys sound cool. Your frustration sounds familiar to how I think my wife feels sometimes. It is such a struggle to maintain a healthy lifestyle without giving too much or taking too much!

Thanks for the story!!!


Tue Oct 04, 10:22:00 AM MDT  

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