Growing, Not Dying

Welcome to my insights, ponderings, and experiences. Hopefully they will enrich you in some small way, or at least make you laugh.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Controling the Relationship

My Prince Charming brought a tape in for us to listen to tonight as we were getting dinner ready/cleaning the kitchen. It was on relationships. The biggest "ah-ha" for me tonight was the importance of co-creating your relationship versus being co-dependant in a relationship.

Co-dependance is the natural default we generally fall into. "I need 'x' from this relationship so you need to do 'y.'" In this system you need to control the relationship in order to get what you "need." Thus, you desire to control the other person, and who wants to be controled? The opposite, in co-creating would sound more like: "I would like to get 'x' out of this relationship. Is that something you would like too?" Negotiate to common ground. "Ok. How can we work together so we can reach this outcome?" This transfers the control to a shared responsibility for the outcome. Each partner is responsible for themselves and sticking with the agreements made.

So, instead of saying, "You need to call when you are going to be late so I know what's going on." We say, "I would like to have respect in our relationship. Do you agree? How can we accomplish this together? One thing that would make me feel more respected would be if you could call if you are going to be late. Does that work for you?"

Yes, it sounds hokey, idealistic, and like a script. So what? If you really want to have a forever relationship with someone does it matter if you "sound" weird for a little while? Besides, if it wasn't our natural reaction, wouldn't yelling and berating someone you are suppose to value so highly sound strange? If we saw a boss yelling at his employee the way we often treat our spouse we would think, "someone's getting a new job soon." Why should it be different in our marriage? Cause marriage is a commitment, that's why! So be bold. Look a little silly for a few minutes. Build respect and love that lasts forever. It is so worth it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again, great insights and I totally agree with it.

I was researching some info about Parenting with Love and Logic and its the same type of thing in relationships with kids. They don't want to be dominated any more than we want to be.

Some of the things they suggest you say and do also might sound scripted, but the more you do it the more natural it becomes. Some of their examples were things like saying:

• I’ll listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.

• I’ll take you guys the places you want to go in the car when I don’t have to worry about fighting in the back seat.

• I’ll do all of the things I do for you around here when I’m feeling respected.

• I’ll provide TV and Nintendo when the chores are done.

• I keep the toys I have to pick up. You can keep the ones you pick up.

Anyway. I really enjoyed the post. Thanks for getting me thinking about this again. It’s been a while and I needed a reminder.


Thu Feb 24, 01:18:00 AM MST  

Post a Comment

<< Home